I have a big birthday coming up in <2 weeks.  Like New Years and other “milestones” this one, too, has me thinking (a dangerous past time).  Once again I am reflecting on my life – what I have accomplished, what I had hoped to accomplish by now, and also realizing what I was missing in my youth.

The age old saying “youth is wasted on the young” continues to echo throughout my mind as I keep coming back to the same thought(s): when I was younger I could have done anything; why did I spend my time partying/working for the man/dating losers/etc?

At this point, perhaps you, my lovely readers, want to know how I came to be in this so-called crisis–so let me elaborate.

Starting in January I started taking a pole dancing class (yes, the type of class that teaches you stripper moves).  I have truly enjoyed it, since it combines athleticism, dancing, and being sexy — all 3 of which make me feel really great.  In fact I enjoyed it so much I was wondering how to take it to the next level – maybe even get good enough I could perform (and more in a competition, than a day-, well actually night- since I already have a day-, job).  After very little research it became quite apparent that I was kind of on the old-side to be pole-dancing in front of any type of audience.  And then I had the thought “I wish I had tried this when I was younger (although not as a night-job as a sport)” and this made me realize – I am getting to the point in my life where there are goals that may not to make sense to pursue.  I used to think I could do anything (still do actually), but now, some things just don’t seem to be “appropriate”.

And so besides realizing that my body just isn’t that of an 18-25 year old; I was also forced to face a version of what I once was (only better).

I was asked to meet with this young girl and talk to her about her career.  As I sat across from her sipping my tea and listening to her describe her accomplishments and future goals and plans, I realized I used to be that girl.   But somehow things slowed down.  When I was 18, 21, 25, I had these lofty ambitious goals laid out for myself — I had 5 and 10 year plans.  Yet somehow I managed to let them slip past me, and here I am, still accomplished, but far from where I had set out to be on my path (and unlike most people, I don’t have the excuse of children, etc).

Which brings me to a very open question – what now?

I am still not sure.  I am definitely not the timid, introverted, insecure little girl trying to find happiness – in fact I wake up most days with the utmost thankfulness for all the happiness and blessings that surround my life. Yet, especially now, I still feel like I should have done more, accomplished more, achieved more, and I can’t help wondering why I didn’t realize all of this 10 years ago (hell, even 5 years ago).

So I am not sure what is next, but like every other year, and every other milestone that has crossed my path, I am going to set some goals and try and toil to achieve them.  I guess only time will tell what will actually come next.

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