Lately I have been catching episodes of the new season of Millionaire Matchmaker during my workouts, and while certainly being entertaining, there are a lot of interesting take aways pertaining to human interactions. One thing you see a lot of is first meetings between people (via introductions, try outs, or even setup dates). After watching a lot of these meetings, here are some key things I thought were worth remembering:
- Just because you think it looks good, doesn’t mean anyone else will. Fashion comes and goes, and while some trends can look great, the majority of people like good old fashioned, clean cut style. Patty is constantly telling ladies to wear simple, clean clothes. I have heard her recommend little black dresses on at least 3 occasions. There are some things you just can’t get wrong — and so any time you have something important coming up, don’t take a fashion risk – go with the classics. (Oh and this does include hair styles – most people with prefer natural, flowing hair vs. teased contrived styles/colors)
- Listen! When you meet someone else, the best thing you can do is ask them questions and actually take the time to listen to their answers. Sometimes when people get nervous, or really want to impress someone else they resort to talking about themselves (big mistake). The best thing you can do is ask the other person questions and be genuinely interested in what they have to say.
- Don’t talk about anything sad/depressing/etc. Even if your life resembles a country song, no one wants to hear about it. People are attracted to positive people that make them feel good. Talking about your eating disordered, dead family, illness or ailments, lost job, etc., is not a way to make people want to talk about you. Save those topics for the people that already like you – not for the first time you meet someone.
- Be respectful. Sometimes the women/men come in and are disrespectful to Patty because they don’t like her very blunt criticism/opinions. While I definitely thing she can be a bit terse and caustic with her remarks, at some level she is trying to help the girls. Always remember to be respectful and if someone says something (even if you don’t like it!) there could be some value in their statement and a chance for you to learn something. Plus, being gracious can only make a good impression, anything else could do the contrary.
- Be mysterious! Don’t put it all out there. Ask questions, be interesting, but don’t try to tell the other person everything there is to know about you. Some mystery is intriguing and you always want the other person to come away wanting to know more.
- Leave on a high note. Make sure you exit the conversation gracefully, and before you run out of things to say. It is always better to leave the person wanting more than to end on dead, awkward silence.
As you know learning to be better in social settings is one of my on-going areas for improvement, so if you have any other ideas or tips, feel free to leave them in the comments!
I have a big birthday coming up in <2 weeks. Like New Years and other “milestones” this one, too, has me thinking (a dangerous past time). Once again I am reflecting on my life – what I have accomplished, what I had hoped to accomplish by now, and also realizing what I was missing in my youth.
The age old saying “youth is wasted on the young” continues to echo throughout my mind as I keep coming back to the same thought(s): when I was younger I could have done anything; why did I spend my time partying/working for the man/dating losers/etc?
At this point, perhaps you, my lovely readers, want to know how I came to be in this so-called crisis–so let me elaborate.
Starting in January I started taking a pole dancing class (yes, the type of class that teaches you stripper moves). I have truly enjoyed it, since it combines athleticism, dancing, and being sexy — all 3 of which make me feel really great. In fact I enjoyed it so much I was wondering how to take it to the next level – maybe even get good enough I could perform (and more in a competition, than a day-, well actually night- since I already have a day-, job). After very little research it became quite apparent that I was kind of on the old-side to be pole-dancing in front of any type of audience. And then I had the thought “I wish I had tried this when I was younger (although not as a night-job as a sport)” and this made me realize – I am getting to the point in my life where there are goals that may not to make sense to pursue. I used to think I could do anything (still do actually), but now, some things just don’t seem to be “appropriate”.
And so besides realizing that my body just isn’t that of an 18-25 year old; I was also forced to face a version of what I once was (only better).
I was asked to meet with this young girl and talk to her about her career. As I sat across from her sipping my tea and listening to her describe her accomplishments and future goals and plans, I realized I used to be that girl. But somehow things slowed down. When I was 18, 21, 25, I had these lofty ambitious goals laid out for myself — I had 5 and 10 year plans. Yet somehow I managed to let them slip past me, and here I am, still accomplished, but far from where I had set out to be on my path (and unlike most people, I don’t have the excuse of children, etc).
Which brings me to a very open question – what now?
I am still not sure. I am definitely not the timid, introverted, insecure little girl trying to find happiness – in fact I wake up most days with the utmost thankfulness for all the happiness and blessings that surround my life. Yet, especially now, I still feel like I should have done more, accomplished more, achieved more, and I can’t help wondering why I didn’t realize all of this 10 years ago (hell, even 5 years ago).
So I am not sure what is next, but like every other year, and every other milestone that has crossed my path, I am going to set some goals and try and toil to achieve them. I guess only time will tell what will actually come next.
When dating women are often give the advice to “not be too available”, since it will decrease your perceived dating value. And a lot like basic economics when something is scarce the value goes up – I believe that to apply to human interaction.
And today I have yet another social experiment to prove that when you are not available, people will try harder to get your attention–and in this case that person would be me.
Several months ago Facebook changed their privacy settings, and added “likes”/”dislikes” and “comments on comments”. I had some weird privacy settings setup that included some people seeing my wall posts and some people (mostly coworkers from my old job who seemed to judge me by my status updates). Well somehow during that migration Facebook messed up my settings essentially leaving a “;” in the field (with no value!) that essentially made all my status updates private (they only showed up when *I* viewed my profile). Of course I didn’t realize this had happened, and assumed that everyone could see my status updates.
So over the last few months I have been updating my status almost daily, and all the while wondering “Why don’t any of my friends ever comment or “like” my updates? Am I really *that* person?” Ah yes, my insecurity came blazing through. So I thought, well I will get people to respond to my updates – I will comment and “like” their statuses (I wouldn’t dare “dislike” a status since I am trying to get people to like me). So pretty much everyday I tried to comment and leave my little thumbs up. Each week that would pass I would increase my interactions with others, and still nothing. Working harder for affirmation the more unavailable the people’s response became. Just like a desperate girl trying to win an evasive guy’s attention, all the while I am thinking how I am unworthy. So P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C.
Well finally one of my friends brought it to my attention that she couldn’t read my status – and with some investigation, facebook support, and a couple of permission changes, it all made sense. People couldn’t read my status and that was why they weren’t responding – not because I am some sycophant that people silently ignore hoping they will go away.
My self confidence came bouncing back, and with it yet another confirmation that if you make yourself less accessible, many people will work harder for your attention.
(And a special thank you to b-patrick for the insights and listening to me grovel about no one responding to my fb status….)
There are very few times in my life when I have complained about customer service to the establishment. I think part of the reason, is that even though I can be very in-your-face assertive, my innate nature is that of the shy, geeky introvert who shies away from confrontation–especially in public settings with people I don’t know. For example, when I encounter poor service at restaurants or bad food, my “retaliation” is only a 12% tip (unless it is really bad in which case I might do something else). I know I could do a lot more and that complaining can garner lots of good things (discounts, free food, re-dos), but it just isn’t my style.
What is my style though? Leaving compliments.
When I was younger I had several different retail jobs and worked as a bank teller for a number of years. Both jobs meant interfacing with customers directly for my entire 8 hour shift. And since customer service was a big part of my responsibility, any bonuses and rewards were tied to compliments left by customers on a job well done.
Now that the tables are turned and I am more frequently the customer, one of my favorite things to do is calling after the fact and leaving compliments with the manager (I tend to call afterward because I think it gives more credibility as in person I tend to look more like a college student than a “prized” customer). Every time I do this I get such a warm fuzzy feeling and it makes me feel like I did something nice (and that is such an awesome feeling compared to complaining to manager, which the few times I have done it, always makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable).
Tonight I went to Safeway (a grocery store by our home) and had such awesome customer service from this little lady who went way out of her way to make up all these deli items for me almost 2 hours after the deli closed–and she did it in a way that didn’t make me feel like I inconvenienced her at all (in the past the employees have complained or wouldn’t help me). I called and talked to the supervisor on my way home from the store–and I really hope that they do something nice for her in return like a bonus, or even just a gold star!
If you haven’t ever done this I encourage you to try it the next time you get great customer service. Leaving compliments can make a real difference for people serving you, and I bet you will come away with a really great feeling afterward. I know that I am going to try to do it a lot more in 2010.
Image by smcgee via Flickr
Happy New Year! Its 2010 and that means a start of a new decade.
As I have said previously, I heart New Years. I love fresh starts. The whole idea of turning over a new leaf and making things better than last year is such a great and inspirational feeling–it really gets me going.
So far my new year is off to a slow start sent I spent the first few days recovering from some bizarre cold, that involved feeling really fatigued, headaches, and an all over achy feeling, but hardly any other symptoms. I am happy to report, though, that by the end of the first week I am feeling revived, healthy, and ready to rumble!
Here are my major highlights for 2009:
- Started a new job – I left one company in online video, and then subsequently joined an SEO technology company (both in a VP Engineering role). This means new challenges, new people, and lots of learning. I must say the first two months at the new gig have been both challenging and fun, and I am looking forward to where this will go over the next year.
- Finally started fixing up our house! Even thought most of this happened in the last half of the year, I am so pleased with all the progress we made. I am hoping to continue this renovation and pretty project over the next year.
- Maintained my weight. I didn’t gain, I didn’t really lose. And I ran a half marathon (and lots of other long runs–all the way up to 19 miles!).
- Improved our financial savvy. This year we definitely got more organized and focused on mindful spending (less impulse shopping). Hopefully we can get better with investing in 2010.
This brings me to my new years resolutions for 2010 (here was my post on my resolutions for last year)….drum roll please…..
- Expand my professional network. I am hoping my new job will provide some opportunities here, but I need to make a point of getting out and networking–meeting more people, making new friendships and relationships, etc.
- Bring more focus on my blog and personal brand.
- Cook at home more. I love cooking. I love new recipes. I love grocery shopping. I really need to make a point of cooking a proper meal at least one day per week (right now I am lucky if this happens once a month–we are big fans of takeout and the microwave at our home).
- Take more pictures & videos. This may seem like a weird one, but every year as I look back and reflect on things we did I always regret that we didn’t capture more of it on film (still or moving).
What about you? Any interesting or worthwhile resolutions?
G often accuses me of getting on a soap box when it comes to giving career advice. Perhaps it is because a large part of my job is to coach and mentor the people around me that I have taken it upon myself to do this to other people in our lives too. While being on a soapbox is generally not advised (and something I need to work on), I do think some of my advice as merit. At the heart of each of these lectures (and typically these are delivered to the unemployed, uninspired, unhappy, or unmotivated) is one key thing–just do something (how very Nike of me).
It seems that so many people become content to just exist, but in reality if you aren’t satisfied with your life you are the only one who can really change it. For example, I have a friend who has been unemployed for about a year. She has been collecting unemployment, but has been applying for jobs–she hasn’t found a job yet. She never finished her college degree (which is likely contributing to the difficulty of finding a job, since she wants more of an office job that pays around $20/hour). Given this situation my first question would be–how has she spent the last year? Ummm….well see that is the thing–all she can say is she was looking for a job. In my opinion [getting on my soapbox] she should have been doing something.
Here is a list of things she should have considered:
- Volunteering – making new networking connections and potentially learning new skills–not to mention helping a cause.
- Starting a blog – don’t use mine as an example, since I rarely seem to update, but there are lots of other people who who made valuable connections, or started new careers by writing about topics that interest them.
- Take some classes – even if you have minimal income there are lots of low cost classes (and depending on how long you have been unemployed you can even qualify for financial aid). This can allow you to learn new skills, and shows future employers that you care about your personal/professional development. You can also make valuable contacts in your classes that could eventually be a lead to a new job.
- Start some projects – ideally choose projects that are visible, like creating a website, or organizing an event. This will help you build new skills (or showcase existing ones), and gives some great examples of your recent work to use as job interview fodder.
- Take part time work — many people are hesitant to do this (my friend responded with the question “why would I work when I can make more on unemployment?”), but taking a part time job (or full time lower wage job) gives you an opportunity to learn a new business, make an honest day’s income, and meet new people–all of which can add up to new opportunities in the future.
- Start your own company – when you can’t find a job, create your own! There are so many business that require very little to no capital. Many entrepreneurs started out this way — when one door closes, another door opens.
There are lots of other things you can do, but each day besides just looking for jobs you should try to:
- Do things that help you meet new people (you never know where your next job will come from). These don’t have to be in person, but can be via facebook, twitter, or other online communities.
- Learning new things – whether you take a class, read a website or create something, teaching yourself new skills (particularly ones related to your field, or things related to your passions) will help you grow and make you a stronger candidate for a position. Bonus points if you can get a new degree or certificate in the process.
- Showcase your work – creating new things or projects can provide interesting work samples to show a future employer; and if someone likes your creation could even lead to more work (just look at all the etsy sellers!).
The key thing is that you can’t expect things to come to you, focus your energy and channel your efforts into a new and productive direction–and with a little luck and a lot of elbow grease I believe something good is bound to happen.
g and i posing in the bathroom while we were all getting ready in our bathroom--don't look at the counters! they are messy!
Well I hope everyone has had a very Merry Christmas, or whatever holiday you may be celebrating this season. I have been such a bad blogger the last several weeks. Between learning my new job (which has been keeping me so pre-occupied) and my new project of fixing up the house (there isn’t a much better motivator than 6 house guests!) I have had time for little else these days. However, I have been making great progress on both aforementioned endeavors (at least I am quite pleased with my progress) I decided I better a least leave a little post with a bit of an update.
As I mentioned I have been working on fixing up the house–of course I am not taking on any major projects (too much $$) but I have been doing little things to really pull everything together (once I am done with it I will post my before and after pictures, which should be in the next few weeks). When Garrett and I moved in together we had only planned to stay in our current home 2 years or so, but after the real estate bubble popped, moving just didn’t seem like the prudent financial decision for us. So even though I think buying a new home now could be a great investment–I think our current home should appreciate a bit and it gives us time to put more money into savings (since buying a new home would mean a high mortgage payment). I really hope that the economy is one the mend and that the real estate market should start trending up–but I digress. Given that we plan to stay here for a while at least, I decided to put a little money into fixing up the place. We are still missing furniture in some rooms (like a coffee table) but I added curtains and new bedding and throw pillows to a few of the rooms–and it really pulled things together. It seriously looks so much better. Although I have made way too many trips to Target and Bed Bath & Beyond (now affectionately known in our household as BBB) to purchase and return things. Thankfully, I get to take a break on that during the holidays.
Christmas was great for us this year (although I am so sad it is over–I have been listening to Christmas carols the past two days trying to savor every last bit–just like when I eat Menchies frozen yogurt or cotton candy). Garrett bought me a new Samsung digital camera
that I love and am excited to start posting more pictures (my old camera died about 2 years ago and I hadn’t bothered to get a new one since I kept using the digital SLR–which is great but too big to go in a handbag). He also made some pictures on canvas photos that I am anxious to put up in my newly redecorated house. I ended up getting him a new lens for his camera, some clothes, cuff links, and perfume
(Bond no9 of course–as both of us our obsessed with it). We had lots of visitors, ate tons of food, had great conversations, played several games of Mexican train dominoes, and had a good time.
me and my sister just before opening our gifts
After Christmas I had one big day of shopping. I did pretty well in not buying much for myself during the Christmas shopping (except the blue flowered shirt I am wearing in the picture with my sister–but that was only $10 on clearance at Target so it hardly counts), but on the day after Christmas I got up early at 7am (which was actually quite a feat since I had been up until 3am the night previous playing board games with my cousins and family) to hit the after Christmas sales. Mostly I intended to look for ornaments, gift wrap, etc since most of it is usually 50% off and sure beats buying new stuff next year….however the only place I ended up buying stuff was Banana Republic since they had SO MUCH stuff on sale–and here is the kicker–everything was 50% off the sale price before noon (yay for getting up early!). Maybe I will make a new post with a bunch of pictures of my new clothes….but I bought several sweaters (around $18 each, marked down for $60), a cute one shoulder dress for $45, and two button down non-iron tops for $15. I was so proud of all my great finds (and thankfully I happened to be at the mall, in the future I think I really need to figure out how to hear about these amazing deals in advance!).
Tonight I spend most of the night moving my closet from wooden and metal hangers to these new velvet hangers
that are *so* much better–the clothes really don’t slip off and they take up so much less space than the wooden alternatives. Now I am just finishing up some work before the week starts, and of course posting my random little update. 
And finally, I watched the movie Julie and Julia and it really made me think about blogging. I love her approach of taking on challenge and then following through with it (although to be honest I found Julie pouty and mostly just enjoyed the Julia portion of the movie), I also think it makes me realize that my blog is too random and I need to somehow find a purpose, topic, or theme to fit all of my interests and comments into that vein. Any suggestions? I am thinking about it and hope to come up with something good soon.
I love the holidays. I really do. They are by far my most favorite time of year.
I think part of it is the pretty sparkly lights and decorations. Part of it is all of the gatherings with friends and family. And of course I love giving presents (it is far more fun to be generous and give to other people than it is to buy something for myself). Anyway, my weeks have been completely filled and it already seems like time is very scarce.
So what has been happening lately – well first off I started a new job. I hadn’t planned to go back to work after leaving my last company–in fact I had planned on starting my own company (that entrepreneurial spirit has been egging me on for some time). However, in a kismet sort of way, I fell into this new job and I couldn’t be happier. I have never worked at a company quite like this–and I really enjoy the people and admire the culture they are trying to create. I feel so fortunate for everything that has come my way (consider this a little late Thanksgiving). As for my venture–it will happen–it is just going to be on hold for a while….
Anyway, it is December and I haven’t had much time for updates. Mostly this is because of the new job, and of course the holidays. Plus to be honest, I just haven’t found it as easy to write much recently. Oh, and I have finally started to undertake the massive endeavor of fixing up our house–which is quite the project. Last weekend we spent time putting up our Christmas trees (we have two–what can I say, I love the holidays!) and organizing everything! We only made it about 1/3 of the way but are hoping to make some more progress this coming weekend.
I have also been spending way too much time on Etsy. I bought this very chic and sophisticated hair flower. I am planning to wear it to my work holiday party this Friday. I think I am going to pair it with a silver dress I wore for new years eve 2007. I also bought 2 hand crafted and preserved flowers–they are supposed to last years. I am planning to put one in our guest bathroom, and I am unsure of where the second one will go, but I figure I can find a place as a revisit the whole “house” project.
Flower pictures are the credit of Christina Floresdelsol – her blog is here and you can find lots of inspiration and link to buy more of her creations there!
There are many factors and skills that can make a good manager in the work place. Empathy is one of my favorites, and of course being a good listener is crucial, but recently I have noticed that one of the traits that have proved really valuable is the ability to distill information and explain it clearly.
Of course getting things done is one of the most important factors in a manager’s performance; but there are lots of other important peripheral tasks as well– such as motivating employees and keeping them excited and productive (which also ties into getting things done). One sure fire way to motivate your team is to make sure everyone clearly understands the “why?”. People are given lots of tasks and sometimes it is unclear how their particular task fits into the big picture or overall strategy. Taking the time to clearly explain why a certain feature is important can go a long way to helping someone understand their role in the success of the team or company.
And besides motivation, managers also need to be able to provide constructive criticism in clear easy to understand language. And, more importantly, since each person has a different learning style, and what is acceptable to some can be offensive to others, learning how to explain things in many different ways can be a great asset to a manger looking to cultivate and grow their team members.
So, how do you get better at explaining? Here are some ideas:
Break a problem into pieces. Like an exam question or a puzzle, breaking things up into their pieces can aid in an explanation. If there are a lot of steps to solving a problem, going through each one in sequence can help someone see the path from a to b.
Draw a picture. For example, if you are trying to explain a complex project, drawing a diagram and showing how all the pieces fit together can help one see how their piece fits into a big picture. Being able to show visual examples can help a lot of people spatially piece different parts together into a holistic view.
Use examples. This is my favorite–especially when giving feedback. If you can help others learn from similar situations it makes it easier for them to relate. And when giving someone feedback it certainly makes them feel like they are not alone. I like this approach because it establishes a pattern, which can then be repeated and it certainly easier to remember.
Start from the beginning. People can grasp things easier when things are laid out in chronological order. Starting from the beginning can help others see the evolution of an idea. For example, if you are trying to explain a new company strategy, start with the goals, the steps to achieve those goals and how the strategy helps make forward progress with each step.
Repeat yourself. As silly as this may sound, saying the same things over and over, and sending out the same message consistently ensures that the key points will get communicated. It really helps some people to hear things multiple times, so in those cases repeating the same message in the same or different verbiage can really help get everyone on the same page.
These are few ideas to get you started, and I am sure there are lots of others. Regardless of your technique though, good communication is an important skill for any manager and something all of us can continue to improve throughout our careers.
As a child everyone had things that wanted to be–some children wanted to be firefighters or police men, the ambitious ones wanted to be doctors or lawyers, so what did I want to be? A millionaire. Yes, as a child I dreamed of living in a mansion, having “staff”, and while I had no clue how to get there I knew that was what I wanted to achieve.
Why did I want to have so much money? Well part of it was influenced by Duck Tales (the cartoon)–I thought it was cool how Uncle Scrooge would dive into his gold coins and swim around (I am sure this would actually hurt a whole lot if you tried to do it in real life). The other main reason was that I grew up very poor and my single mother instilled in me that money would solve all the world’s problems (well at least our family’s). She would say that being “rich” was the key to life and happiness.
Of course as I have grown up my ambitions have changed and despite my mother’s best intentions I have developed my own value system. And just the other day I was thinking about how happy I am and how full my life has become. I wake up everyday and feel so lucky for all of the wonderful things I have in my life, and in that way I really am “rich” (however that wasn’t always the case).
Being rich is a state of mind, or a state of being, and you don’t need lots of money to get there. So how do you get there? Well, speaking from experience here are my best tips:
- Decide what being rich really means to you. This is the first step and for everyone it is different. I have friend who would be truly happy if she could buy designer clothing every season, and walk down the street in Louboutin shoes and a Balenciaga bag. I have another friend that just wants to have children and have the time to raise them. For me it is more about having fulfilling relationships, in particular one very fulfilling partnership (and this took me a while to realize since I used to really like expensive dinners out on the town, and now I would much prefer take out at home). Regardless of your dream, the first step is to really understand what *it* is that you are reaching towards.
- Take inventory of your situation. Look around you and make a list. What is going well, what is going poorly. Just like managing your finances, the first step is to take control of what you spend. Figure out what is missing from your current situation. For example, if you want to have children but are still single, you might be missing a partner (they aren’t necessary per se, but take it as an example). For me, I had lots of wonderful friends and I was happy with my career, but I was missing that special someone. Make a list of these things since they are the stepping stones to #1.
- Figure out what you can do to move in the right direction. Once you know what your missing and where you want to go the next step involves figuring out the necessary steps to get there. For me, this meant two things: being open to meeting new people, and continuing to improve who I was so when I met someone I had something great to offer. Of course if you goal is more designer clothes, then you may just need to skip your morning lattes, or perhaps start brown bagging your lunches. Either way come up with a plan. Write it down (when I put things on paper it just makes it that much more real), and put your plan somewhere you will see it everyday (my favorite place to tape up goals, plans and inspirational statements is my bathroom mirror–I am forced to look at them every morning as I get ready–essentially reinforcing whatever I am trying to do at that moment).
The most important thing, as with any self improvement project, is to actually take the time to be introspective and really think about these things. I like taking inventory on my life on a regular basis and am constantly redefining these things for myself.
In fact, maybe in a few years my goal to have a vault filled with gold deep enough to swim may just appear back on my own list.
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